<< Previous Page • Next Page >>

Thanks to hanging_rope for letting me know my RSS feed was broken. I appreciate it!

Twenty four is how old I will be at the end of the month. I never thought it would be a particularly amazing number, since I mostly adhere to Patton Oswalt's theory about birthdays. But I am really starting to feel... well, old. The past couple years have really gone by insanely fast, probably because I slept a lot and wasn't really doing anything with my time. I remember turning 22 and things were great, but when 23 came there wasn't anything really worth celebrating. But man, so far I think 24 is going to be really awesome.

Part of it is because I started going to college in January. Between that, my job, and the shreds of events that I try to keep together that I call "my life", I'm finding it a really hard task to make time to play or make games. Why is paying insanely large amounts of money to do work and not playing games "really awesome"? Mostly because I'm really happy about finally going to school. It's something I have needed to do for a long time and I have needed the change of pace for a while now. So far it hasn't been too hard, but it's only been 4 months and we'll see where things go!

But speaking of birthday and video games, I put together this list over at F7 with some games that I don't own that I would like to. I figure I'll repost it here since I think this site gets more, and different exposure. In fact, who the fuck reads this site? Comment and let me know.

Anyway. If any of you feel like spending a few dollars to make my day brighter, here's the list, neatly organized into groups of price. Either add me on Steam to gift them, or send them to my email (msleeper@gmail.com).

$10 or cheaper games:
Knights of the Old Republic
Braid
Trine (Thanks Campincarl)
Deus Ex Collection (Thanks Campincarl)
Borderlands - Zombie Island (Thanks Longcat. Thongcat.)
Borderlands - Secret Armory of General Knoxx
Jedi Knight
Jedi Knight II
Jedi Academy
Osmos
Republic Commando
The Maw
Geometry Wars
Uplink
Oddworld Pack
Heretic / Hexen Pack
The Maw Pack

$20 or cheaper games:
Serious Sam 2
Torchlight
Shattered Horizon
World of Goo
Quake Wars
X3
Crayon Physics
Puzzle Indie Pack
Jedi Knight Pack

Games of higher prices:
Force Unleashed (man I wish I had money when this was on sale last week)
Bioshock 2
Quake Collection
Doom Pack
id Pack - DOUBLE ID POWEEEERR

Thanks.

Just a quick update here before I make a real update. I realize it's been like 5 months. Whoops!

A friend contacted me about making a simple HL2:DM mod, and I figure with everything going on in my life (more later) I might as well give it a shot. As "research" into how HL2:DM plays, I decided to throw up a server and get some people together to play. I hadn't played it in probably 3 or 4 years, easy.

Which is a shame because I forgot how awesome it really is. People are scary good at this game, I wonder how many of them have been playing it since it came out almost 7 years ago. I can't believe this game is that old, it really makes me feel outdated.

Anyway, here are some useful links for it. Feel free to stop by and play, I'm going to be on at around midnight on week nights.

Server: 69.61.21.18:27015
Stats: http://stats.msleeper.com/

I also have setup a forum for my site as well as the other sites I host. This has been up for a while really and wasn't in response to the game thing, but I'm just now getting around to linking to it. Feel free to harass me at your leisure.

Thanks to "Passionate Admirer" for letting me know my Sentry Heatmaps were fucked. Long story short, I changed some code that I shouldn't have! I have manually re-ran them and they are working properly again, and they should work during their next daily run.

I also want to take this time to say that you, dear readers, should expect to see some weirdness around here in the next few days or so. I am in the process of finishing up a migration of my websites and I have saved the best for last. I may throw up my trusty "LOL GTFO" page if things get too crazy but hopefully the transition will be relatively smooth and painless.

But none of the go inbetweens.

(So if you do not give a fuck about any non-work, non-project related things you can just go ahead and stop reading this one.)

I still feel lost. I don't know where I went wrong, I don't know what I did that I drove my life off of a cliff and just prayed that I would grow wings. I am afraid of success. I am happy in the process, and I am even okay with failure, but the thought that I do something right is terrifying to me. When I do things right, I have nothing left to gain, nothing left to learn and grow from. And so I do whatever it takes to ruin everything for myself, to keep me happy in this perpetual cycle of losing and trying again. I thought about naming this "I Have Come Curiously Close To The End", but since there is no real end to a cycle it doesn't fit. Maybe I'll save that for when I am at the end of something.

Cycles don't end, but they do break. I am so sick of the stagnation in my life that has permeated every single crevice of my life. It seems like every single day, some small part of me is just turning into some hard, stale shell of what it was. The things I like and the things I want are becoming brittle and just doing nothing but weighing me down. Even the city that I love seems to be dragging me. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to just pick up everything that I have, or at least everything I care about, and just go. I have enough friends in enough places that I could manage it, and maybe even be happy with it. Columbus, Ohio. Seattle, Washington. Phoenix, Arizona. Denver, Colorado. I wish I was brave enough to truly give up everything I know and am familiar with, to lose everything so that I can re-learn anything. The worst of it, the stale that has taken over my life, has been my creativity, the thing about me that is so dear and so important and so defining as my ability to make. I have lost my ability to create.

I have tried so hard to surround myself with creative things, the things I love and the things I want and enjoy. I have tried so hard to find my muse and find something to create, but I don't know what I have been doing wrong until very recently. I don't know when I lost it, I don't know where or why. Speaking to someone recently, they suggested that it might be me losing the person that was most important in my life that might have caused it, and as much as it pains me to think about, I think they might be right. I feel like it isn't until I have learned from a mistake I have made, rather than simply having made the mistake, that I truly learn from it and can move on. Someone once told me that, in her five marriages throughout her life, the one consistent thing she had learned about people is that nobody really changes who they are. I had always believed in that since she told it to me, but it wasn't until I was in that position that I learned for myself how unwilling the people around you are to change for the better unless they really want to. Very rarely does anyone want to change.

I have accomplished so much for myself in the past 11 months, all of it in spite of my fear of success. I have changed my life in the most drastic way that I think anyone can and I did it without flinching. But as powerful as this accomplishment is, I can't shake the feeling that for every mile I have come, ten more still remain. I still feel like I am lieing to my friends every day, and that I am clutching onto a vestigial part of my life only for the comfort of familiarity. I rarely set deadlines for myself and the last time that I did was earlier in the year. Maybe it was shortly before it. But the important thing is that I stuck to it and set about these changes which mean so much to me now.

So now I have set another deadline for myself and I feel even more strongly about this than the last. In two months it's make or break. I am retaking everything that I once felt I needed, my creativity and my happiness and, most of all, my life. If I can change who I am, then changing everything else should be easy.

I think.